HUMOR... The Ridiculum Chronicles

Brent Jowers
pOke writer

Halloween! A day of contradiction. Everyone is in a state of discombobulation on this day. The Christians are angry because they believe this day to be of The Devil's spirit, and the goth kids participate with great passion, but feel strangely out of place because on this day, they blend in. So both Goths and Christians feel out of place. The fact that both sides agree is a sign of apocalyptic possibilities in itself!

As a society, we tell children that candy will rot their teeth, and never to accept it from strangers. On this day though, they are encouraged to accept delicious tooth rot from those we do not know!

Then you hear this conversation. "Don't eat that apple! It may have a razor blade in it!" So now, not only are children encouraged to stockpile candy, but they are afraid that fruit will harm them! This totally ruins a child's mentality. Some of you tell your kids to snack on fruit normally, but on Halloween, you tell them that the devil makes people put razor blades in it! How can you ever make them eat anything healthy after that? If apples might cut you because the devil makes people tamper with them, the taste of brussel sprouts alone has to be the result of demonic intervention!

Then there's the issue of most adult women on Halloween. No matter what costume they wear, they alter it to look as though they just crawled off the Skank Boat Express. It doesn't matter whether they are a witch, a platypus, or the 3rd chair spork player in the Alturas Polkharmonic Orchestra, they still skank it up. Do you really have to objectify the Statue Of Liberty like that? Who has the time to hem a toga? They all say the same thing too. "I love Halloween because I get to dress fun!" Do you think that's what all of the guys are thinking about you dressed that way? "That looks like a fun girl! I would love to blow bubbles and have a tickle fight on a trampoline with a "fun" girl like that!"

I don't have children, so I should not be expected to hand out candy. Why do I have to part with my Gummy Musk Oxen just because your parents spent $12.95 at Walgreens, on a plastic rendition of Mcfroogly Wigglebutt, or whatever animated creation is the latest craze? I have chosen to hand out two items to children this year. Pocket dictionaries, and condoms. The pocket dictionaries promote literacy, and will have the word trespassing highlighted. The condoms are for the parents. Hopefully they will prevent me from having to go through the same dilemma four years from now. I'm sure the condoms will be used! Especially considering how "fun" some of their Mothers are dressed!

{No offense to the Alturas Polkharmonic Orchestra. Their music is what gave me the strength to overcome the painful hickeys I obtained in a suckerfish poaching incident }

Read the previous Ridiculum Chronicles